Two.

(written before the nausea set in... I recommend writing down your happy thoughts and excitement about a pregnancy before the nausea sets in...)

I love the sound of it.  I love looking at the word.  And most of all I love the idea that Baby M and I already have another teeny-tiny little companion, accompanying us as we go about our daily activities.

I love wondering if this companion will be a baby brother for M, or our first little girl.  I love that we have an October due date, with M's birthday being in September.  I love the idea of reusing all of M's most-treasured outfits, the ones that remind me of each wonderful stage with him.  And more than anything, I love the expression on my husband's face when I asked him if he knew how many people he was looking at as I held M and surprise, elation, and sheer joy coalesced with an exclaimed "Three?!"

I have to admit, I haven't always loved the idea of two.  I've *loved* it but I've also lived in fear of it.  The first time you're pregnant, at least if you spend a couple months nauseated, you're already wondering how you'll ever do it while chasing a toddler.  The first time you deliver, at least it you have a rough delivery and recovery, you can't imagine how you'll ever manage a sequel while parenting a newborn and a toddler.  And then of course you also hear the warnings from other parents about how transitioning to two children is harder than transitioning to one.  Still others warn you that you haven't experienced any "real" parenting until your child hits the "terrible twos"(or the "terrible three's" or "age four" - whatever age their then-most-challenging child happens to be) - so you worry that you don't even know what parenting is and you've already signed on for two children (yikes!).  If you're me, you worry that although so many others have done just fine with it, you'll be doing it with no family in the area and a husband whose career track means he won't be around much for another few years... with financial struggles in an expensive and logistically difficult town.  :/

The best advice I've received on this front came from my good friend Jen, mom of two (ages 4 and 2) and soon to be mom of four.  "Nothing that's really amazing is ever easy," she said.  Of course, she does make it look easy...

In any case, once I saw that pink line my fears and reservations faded away, overpowered by happiness.  To my surprise, I've found that pregnancy the second time around is *at least* as exciting as the first time around(!!!)  Here's why, and a few other differences between first and second time pregnancies:

(1)  This time, you know how amazing parenthood is.  You just can't imagine that love and joy until you actually experience it for yourself.

(2)  This time, you're not counting every.  single.  day.  (but you're still counting weeks).  You've got a toddler to keep you busy!  And he's still doing amazing new things every day as he grows, so you get your fill.  Actually, once my nausea hit I was counting the hours...

(3)  This time, you know what to expect from delivery - and you expect that there's no way it will be as scary as the first time, or in many cases including mine, as physically traumatic.

(4)  This time, you don't need to stress about baby gear.  You've done your hours upon hours upon hours of research.  Figure out your double-stroller and you're done.

(5)  This time, you know your body better.  Believe it or not, I could tell I was pregnant within days of implantation, before any test could have detected it.  There were just the faintest of stirrings that I knew weren't period cramps, and a few episodes where I was hungry in a certain way.  "Just knowing" seems to be pretty common your second time around, at least among my friends.  I also have a better gauge on how much I can actually eat this pregnancy.  Many women gain less weight the second time around.  Considering I only JUST took off ALL (but 2 lbs) of the baby-weight as I became pregnant with #2, I am really hoping to just not even go there again.

While I'd say that the *fear* has melted away, I do still have concerns.  Can I handle two kids on my own for weeks at a time while Mark is constantly working?  What if baby #2 is a big napper like M was - how will I keep M entertained in our 2-bedroom apartment during all those naps?  How will I get to the doctor, the dentist, or a salon with two kids in tow?  How will I *ever* fly home to see family when M needs his own plane ticket and we likely have to also pay for a taxi (not to mention, how does one fly solo with two very young children)????

But I come back to what my friend said - nothing worth it is ever that easy.  We know we want at least two, and we are thrilled that the timing was exactly our first choice.  So this is how it has to be.  I'm thrilled, elated, already SO IN LOVE, and feeling ready to face the challenge.

And he is too ... right?  :)